This year’s Step Four is revealing to me that I’m like Don Quixote: I tilt at windmills, jousting at what I perceive to be a dragon. This illusion is a delusion, and I am finally seeing why I am so prone to falling for it. It’s driven by unresolved grief over a situation that ended tragically because no one took responsibility for getting the help they needed. Help was available, but the players never sought it or got it, and then they died. End of story.
Flash-forward to the present-tense me, who reacts to all similar misery by fearing the worst. It’s amazing that I never seem to leave the playground when that particular bully shows up. Fear and anger convince me to make suggestions, to offer alternatives, or otherwise try to prevent yet another tragic sadness.
The Serenity Prayer tells me to accept the things I cannot change — namely other people, places, and things that are not dragons, after all. They are windmills! Still, I feel like a bad person when I walk away, as if “shaking the dust off my feet” makes me a meanie. Again the Serenity Prayer kicks in to point me to the dragons that are inside of me. I am gaining wisdom as I learn to discern between the windmills and the dragons.
For me, if it’s not inside my own skin, it’s a windmill. I can care, but need to turn each care to prayer. There are times, however (and this is one of them), when I find it hard leave them there. I’m choosing today to pray and walk away, to let God be God because I’m not, and because it is wisdom to know the difference.
This image was posted on Facebook by Angie Gilliam. Thanks, Angie!